what i need might be different

and that is completely okay apparently???

There are many things I know logically- rationally- but struggle to fully accept and allow to settle into me. I describe it as a difference between “knowing something” and “knowing something”. Maybe you understand what I mean.

I’ve tried to depict knowing versus knowing lots of times, and this is the closest I’ve ever gotten. I guess it’s kind of an embodied understanding of something rather than an intellectual understanding.

I had a moment recently where something I know became something I know, and that is this:

What I need might be different than what other people need, and that’s okay.

Not revolutionary on the surface, but very mind blowing when you really think about it. Especially in a rigid, capitalist, and abelist society, responding to our own needs can feel really challenging. There are expectations placed on us about productivity and output, socialization and capacity, and there is tremendous shame woven all throughout. I have felt this shame, I’m sure you have felt this shame, and it can be immobilizing.

I have felt particularly frustrated with myself about the limits of my social capacity, intellectual capacity, and need for rest. Things that don’t seem hard for other people feel really hard for me sometimes, and I honestly feel really embarrassed about it. I have always been attuned to what other people are doing and how they’re acting, and when I do things differently there is always a voice in my head that tells me what I am doing is wrong.

I’ve come to understand that this voice is capitalist and ableist, but it is also a natural human desire to fit in. Being part of the “in” group is vital to survival; feeling like you’re not included threatens safety.

It feels so silly that this is so hard for me- my entire philosophical and professional belief system centers the knowing that every person is different and knows what they need. But, for some reason, I have had a hard time applying that to myself.

This is where knowing versus knowing comes into this. I recently had an intuitive psychic/astrology/tarot reading done by one of my favorite artists, Vida Rose. I love getting readings from her, the way she delivers messages lands with me in a way I value deeply. The topic of the yearly reading I get from her is “my creative year ahead”- basically what I might want to focus on or try creatively. This year, the emphasis was REST. Doing things that feel restful and rejuvenating, taking time to listen to what I really need.

Okay okay, this is something I have heard before. What I need is important, etc etc etc, everyone is different, blah blah blah, but I have things to do so I actually don’t have time because I need to keep up.

But then she emphasized it again, and it landed in a new way.

“You have to be fierce about your boundaries of how much rest, how many resources, and how much time you require. The things you do require a lot of time and energy- don’t compare yourself to anybody else.”

Having someone who knows almost nothing about me reflect this to me was a knowing versus knowing moment. That little idea floating around my awareness landed inside my chest in a new way. Maybe to show up in the world like I want to and in the ways that feel right, I need more rest or resources or affirmations or quiet than someone else does- and maybe that is not a moral judgment. Maybe that’s actually okay.

I’ve been chewing on this idea for a while now, and it has continued to root in me. Whenever I get a pang of shame for responding differently than someone else, I say to myself: "what i need right now is different, and that’s okay”. I can look at all of the things I want to do and see how caring for myself in the ways I need allows me to do those things, and I find so much comfort and solace in that.

i love you, you can trust yourself <3