on wholeness (again)
i am more than just a helper and you are too
Sometimes I write something or make a piece of art, walk away from it, and return to it a little later only to realize I was saying things to the internet that I could (and probably should) have also said to myself. My last post here was one of those moments, and it only occurred to me today.
My most recent post here was about wholeness- how we all need to see each other in our wholeness and for all of the vast identities we inhabit. No one is just what has hurt them, no one is comprised entirely of a painful memory or one moment of their life, and no one is defined by one trait or characteristic they possess. We are all entire universes, made up of a lifetime of experiences and pieces of what we love and what loves us. It’s easy for me to remember that about other people, but I’ve been forgetting to remember it about myself.
There are moments in my life that I neglect to acknowledge my wholeness and identity outside of helping other people, and I’ve been having one of those times lately. Care work is what I do professionally, but it is no coincidence that it has always been a significant amount of my personal life too. It comes naturally to me, but it is also a refuge during times that I feel deep shame or anxiety. If you know anything about the enneagram, I’m sure you can guess what I am.
This is a double (maybe triple) edged sword, because I know deeply that it is what I’m supposed to be doing, but it’s also very easy to get lost in it and forget what else feels right too. It’s also easy to use other people’s needs as an escape from my own, leading me to neglect myself or avoid something that is asking for my attention.
Putting lots of time and energy into caring about other people isn’t a bad thing, I think it’s a beautiful thing that deserves to be seen and valued. But it can’t be the only thing, and I think that’s what I’ve been doing to myself lately.
I want to be seen and known for more than just what I do for the people around me, even though that feels pretty scary. And, even in that scariness, I’m trying to start with seeing myself that way.
I love to be a people helper, like more than I can even express, but I also love being an artist. I love to be the one who will always show up to care for my friends when they’re struggling, but I also love to be funny and inquisitive. I love to hold others, but I also love to be held too.
To all of my fellow people helpers, I leave you with three things:
the way you show up for and support people is so beautiful and deserves to be noticed. The world is so lucky to have you and your heart.
you deserve to be seen and noticed for more than just that. You are vast, and your vastness is inspiring.
you are a whole big beautiful valuable person even when you are not helping. i promise.
Today, in between many moments of helping others, i sat down and did some drawing and writing to bring me back to some of my wholeness. It wasn’t art for anything specific, i had no agenda, i just asked myself what i needed to say and said it.
I will inevitably put myself in the helper box again, but i am grateful to know how to connect with my whole self again when i need to.
love you and cats love you too.
This is beautiful, Izzy!
<3